*stares blankly into the sky*
Ahhhh yes... I remember...
I was supposed to be a millionaire by now, with a house on the East Coast, driving distance to the beach, running my own business and nonprofit, living my best life with a Yorkie pup named "Drew" or "Percy".
I remember at the age of 22 or 23, I was browsing Pinterest and started a Pin Board titled "Me in 5 years". It had pins that included trips I would take, how I would decorate my four bedroom, 3 baths, two-story home, and a plethora of clothes that I wanted to fill my closet with. Oh, and a recipe board full of food that I planned on cooking in my state of the art kitchen.
*stares blankly in the sky*
Yeeeaaah... *sigh*. I was set for life. Set on my dreams coming true. There was nothing or no one that was going to stop me.
But then.... 2011 came. I was diagnosed with lupus on Thanksgiving and my life changed. My ENTIRE life changed!! Not only did I have bad symptoms of lupus but while living out of town, I almost died. To this day, I argue with my mother, "No, I didn't, I was good, I wasn't going to die!" but honestly, I think back on it and if it wasn't for the swift move of a close friend taking me to the hospital, I would have died. Ya girl would've been gone... oh laawwwd. *sigh*
After all of this, my Pinterest board and the goals I had in it seemed to be further from reach. I got depressed. I had my mind set on where I would be, by a certain time, and the countless amount of money I was going to have in my bank account was going to fund any and everything I wanted.
Around this time, I was noticing all my friends graduating with their Master's degrees, getting married, having kids, buying houses and cars, and traveling every other month... and I'm like "God, you trippin'... you forgetting about me, and I'm sick of it". The comparison to others was making me angry with God, making me question if God really does love me.
"God, if you so called loved me, why I don't have..blah blah blah..."
To this day, I have to limit myself on social media because social media will have you thinking you have the WORST life ever, which I've come to learn is not true.
I move a lot slower than others my age because of lupus, and I'm definitely not as social as I use to be, and my illness has given me limitations that I'm STILL trying to adjust to to this day, but yall... I'm still alive. *in my Celie voice* I'M STILL HERE!!
The things I was comparing to others is absolutely nothing compared to the life I have been given. I've been given a second chance, and although I'm still trying to figure out my purpose, and it gets hard, I still got a second chance. I run a support group of people with lupus who have it way worse than me, those that WISH they could get around like I do, or be able to go work Monday - Friday, or even cook and bathe on their own. These are things I take advantage of every single day.
I'm not going to lie. It gets hard for me... ALL THE TIME and I still get mad at God sometimes over frivolous things that in the end, honestly don't mean a thing. (I'm trying to do better. I'm only human!) But, I have to remember, brush off the doubt, and tell myself that I have something that most people with lupus don't have... I have life....and I plan to do the best I can with this second chance. I plan to work my butt off to be a better person, to be a voice for the voiceless, and remember that the road God has chosen for me, was for me... and he knew the right person to give it to.... ME!
