Feeling Beautiful..

Let's face it.

One of the hardest things for us lupies to do is get out of bed.
Let alone, fall asleep.

But when we finally get out the bed, we have to get dressed.

It takes every bit of my energy to brush my teeth, wash my face, shower, and do something remotely neat to my hair. After I've done all the basics, everything else just seems irrelevant. So, with that being said, it's very hard to feel beautiful when you have no energy to put into do all the work to make you look beautiful.

I have lost the confidence of feeling beautiful. I use to go to the nail shop every two weeks, maintain my weight (even just a little), I wasn't a make-up wearing girl, but I'd at least throw on some mascara. All of the things that I use to do to make me feel beautiful I just don't have the energy to do anymore.

Now some things are out of my control, for instance... I've lost hair with my chemotherapy and since I've been diagnosed, I've been on a pill called "prednisone". In a few blogs back, I discussed how hungry that pill makes me... now with hunger comes fat... then with fat comes not being able to fit in your regular clothes... THEN with not being able to fit in your regular clothes comes feeling fat and helpless. YUP! That's the stage I'm at now... FAT & HOPELESS.

Truthfully, I tried the diets that they have out there for lupus patients. I've completely given up red meats and pork, and I try not to eat after 7pm. My weakness is snacking. Throughout the day I snack on fattening things (*sigh* I need to do better) and I never exercise (*sigh* I so need to do better) it's just I put all my energy into going to work and when I get off work I am dead beat tired.  (Shout out to all us lupies that are getting up going to work! It's HARD!)

I also suffer from the butterfly rash that likes to show up during the worst times. And let's face it, we live in a society were you are completely judged on how you look. Can you imagine showing up for a job interview or going anywhere with this on your face..

I'm looking in the mirror every day noticing the change that my body is going through and it's the ugliest thing to see. I swear, I try to avoid all mirrors at all cost. I try to tell myself, "Girl, you are wearing that dress!", or "Girl, you're smokin' hot in that outfit!"..., it's really hard to have that confidence when in reality I know what I use to look and feel like before I was diagnosed.

What's a girl to do?

Random Lupie Vent

Let me forewarn you... I am randomly venting.

I find myself wanting to lay in bed, be anti-social, and read books that I've probably read over a million times. It could be the increase of prednisone (who am I kidding, that is what it is!) but I am ALWAYS conflicted with my sleep schedule.

I'm always wanting to lay in bed, BUT while I'm there, I am wishing I was up doing something. (Sounds weird I know!) But that's just how crazy my medicine have me. I'll climb in bed at 9pm (hoping for a good sound sleep) and 2 or 3 hours later, I'm staring at the ceiling or watching Golden Girls wondering why I hadn't fallen asleep!! I'm thinking to myself... "I could've SWORN a hour ago I was exhausted!!!"... MIND YOU, I have to get up for work in the morning, and  the result is usually me being sluggish ALL DAY because I didn't get to sleep till 1am in the morning.

AND LET ME NOT GET ON THIS WEIGHT GAIN... Sooooo, I've never been the type to watch my weight, I figured "Hey, I like french fries, pasta, and bread... I don't think loosing weight will be an option for me right now!".... HOWEVER, since I have been diagnosed with lupus, I have tried different ways to possibly reduce inflammation in my body, and although its not 1,000 percent effective, I do feel good about myself trying to heal my own body naturally.... SOOOOO from eliminating some of the foods I use to eat, weight kind of just "fell" off...

Soooooooo, with that being said... I have probably gained over 20 pounds pilling up steroids in my body in the past few weeks. NOW I'M PISSED! All this time I was eating my bread and pasta, I maintained weight... NOW I get a dose of medicine to help me and then the weight comes!!! OMG! How backwards is all of this!! I'd rather the weight came from my french fries and burgers (since I knew it was my fault from eating all of that!) INSTEAD it's totally against my own control... *speaking off... I'm hungry for some shrimp and pasta right now*

Ohh... Ohh... Ohh...

and let's not talk about all the blood that doctor's have to take when you go to an appointment! *rolls eyes* Like, couldn't you get ONE TUBE, and share it among all the different test you have to run! I truly doubt if they are using ALL 9 tubes of blood to run maybe 3 or 4 test. Like, are you guys secretly selling my blood for a profit or something. (Probably so!) and then STOP BRINGING in these INTERNS that have no clue on what they are doing! I swear, if I meet another nurse that does not know how to get the vein the first time, I'M GOING TO SCREAM!!! Stop playing around with my arm, and bring a professional in here before I throw my $2 old navy flip flop at you! *smile*

I'm done. *sigh*

Prednisone, why you do me so bad?

Um, did I just eat that entire turkey from Thanksgiving?... Oh wait? And did I just steal the rolls and cranberry sauce from my aunt's plate? Ohhhhh snap! Where did that three layer strawberry cake go? Don't tell me I ate all of that too?!?

*sigh*

Okay. So I'm fat.

Not only was I already a greedy person but on top of that, the medication I take makes me devour food like I've been starving for weeks. Sadly, the fat goes to my face and neck which makes me look like the Michelin man from the chest up!! 

Ohhhh, and not only am I fat with a face as big as a moon pie, I have the weirdest mood swings!! 

I was looking at television (not sure what the show was) but I was laughing and tripping and the next thing I knew, I got seriously depressed. I mean, it came out of no where. You would've thought I just got news my dog had died!!!! (I don't have a dog by the way...)

Anyways, so what is prednisone? Prednisone is a corticosteroid and is used to treat inflammation and help suppress the immune system. 

(corticosteroid: (also known as glucocorticoids, cortisone or steroids) are synthetic (man-made) prescription drugs designed to work like the body’s naturally occurring hormones produced by the adrenal glands, in particular cortisol. Hormones are the body’s chemical messengers that regulate most of the body’s functions. Cortisol helps regulate blood pressure and the immune system and it is the body’s most potent anti-inflammatory hormone. Corticosteroids prescribed for autoimmune diseases are different from the anabolic steroids that weightlifters and other athletes sometimes take to increase strength.)    

*source: Lupus Foundation of America website

And that's all great and dandy but check out these side effects of taking the drug:

Common Side Effects of Corticosteriods:

• Weight gain
• Thinning of hair and skin
• Bruising
• Stomach discomfort
• Mood swings
• Increased risk of developing diabetes
• Increased risk of infection
• Increased risk of cataracts
• Joint damage
• Osteoporosis (bone thinning)

So can you imagine someone having to experience each of these symptoms and try to fit into society living as a normal human being?!! It's tough!!! On top of that, us lupies don't have many medical treatment options to choose from so we usually work with what we have and try to press on day by day. If you know someone that has lupus, encourage them to keep on going! Pray for and with them and acknowledge their struggle by being a great support system! :)

*smells food*

Okay, I've gotta go!