Rejection hurts like hell...

How many of us have prayed for something, and then when it doesn't happen you immediately feel like praying isn't worth it anymore?

Well, let me help you relate... so, I applied for two new job positions, with the hopes of making much more money than I do now... let me just say, I got rejected from both. Didn't even get granted an interview by them folks. I mean... did they even take a look at my resume!?!?! Did they even read my cover letter I took two whole days to type up!?!?! I bet they didn't! Forget them folks!

*sigh* I was disappointed. Felt like all the schooling and working I've done all my life to get ahead is really pointless. To be honest, I had actually taken a break from job hunting for a while because of this feeling that the rejection emails always gave me. It makes me question my abilities and sort of makes me feel unworthy. Not smart enough, not hardworking enough. It is already draining dealing with lupus because I feel like this disease has already taken so much from me, and now, when I try to advance myself and get ahead...  BOOM!!! "Sorry, we have decided to go with a more qualified candidate."

MORE QUALIFIED!?!?!? Are you serious!? I could do that job with my eye CLOSED!!!!!!

Then while online reading I came across something that got me thinking...

I'm trying my hardest to remind myself that something out there is better, but ya'll I'm human. It's really okay to feel sad and disappointed about things not happening the way you intended them do. I mean, I don't expect every single thing to go my way, but it gets draining when you've been in a runt for a long time, and it really does feel like God is ignoring me.

The best thing I can do for myself is to somehow use these experiences for a way to somehow heal my own heart, mind, and soul. To stay sane, I have to choose this way to interpret rejection because in some kind of way, this really could be an opportunity for redirection. I think back on all of my previous rejections and even though it took some time, I still managed in some kind of way ending up on top or getting something better. Of course, off the back, we aren't going to look at rejection as a blessing because it does hurt, but moving forward you have to embrace it and be prepared for the new journey that your life is about to take.

Practice redirecting that negative feeling into creating a life so great for yourself, that you'll soon look back at all your rejection letters, emails,  or voicemails and be able to smile and laugh about them, knowing that "You are good enough, even better!" Don't let anyone tell you that you have to just get over it" because I'm a living witness that it's easier said than done, however, don't let rejection be something that keeps you down for long, because trust and believe me... what's to come is going to blow your mind! (in a good way)😉

Comparison, thief of joy.

*stares blankly into the sky*

Ahhhh yes... I remember...

I was supposed to be a millionaire by now, with a house on the East Coast, driving distance to the beach, running my own business and nonprofit, living my best life with a Yorkie pup named "Drew" or "Percy". 

I remember at the age of 22 or 23, I was browsing Pinterest and started a Pin Board titled "Me in 5 years". It had pins that included trips I would take, how I would decorate my four bedroom, 3 baths, two-story home, and a plethora of clothes that I wanted to fill my closet with. Oh, and a recipe board full of food that I planned on cooking in my state of the art kitchen.

*stares blankly in the sky*

Yeeeaaah... *sigh*. I was set for life. Set on my dreams coming true. There was nothing or no one that was going to stop me.

But then.... 2011 came. I was diagnosed with lupus on Thanksgiving and my life changed. My ENTIRE life changed!! Not only did I have bad symptoms of lupus but while living out of town, I almost died. To this day, I argue with my mother, "No, I didn't, I was good, I wasn't going to die!" but honestly, I think back on it and if it wasn't for the swift move of a close friend taking me to the hospital, I would have died. Ya girl would've been gone... oh laawwwd. *sigh*

After all of this, my Pinterest board and the goals I had in it seemed to be further from reach. I got depressed. I had my mind set on where I would be, by a certain time, and the countless amount of money I was going to have in my bank account was going to fund any and everything I wanted.

Around this time, I was noticing all my friends graduating with their Master's degrees, getting married, having kids, buying houses and cars, and traveling every other month... and I'm like "God, you trippin'... you forgetting about me, and I'm sick of it".  The comparison to others was making me angry with God, making me question if God really does love me. 

"God, if you so called loved me, why I don't have..blah blah blah..."

To this day, I have to limit myself on social media because social media will have you thinking you have the WORST life ever, which I've come to learn is not true. 

I move a lot slower than others my age because of lupus, and I'm definitely not as social as I use to be, and my illness has given me limitations that I'm STILL trying to adjust to to this day, but yall... I'm still alive. *in my Celie voice* I'M STILL HERE!!

The things I was comparing to others is absolutely nothing compared to the life I have been given. I've been given a second chance, and although I'm still trying to figure out my purpose, and it gets hard, I still got a second chance. I run a support group of people with lupus who have it way worse than me, those that WISH they could get around like I do, or be able to go work Monday - Friday, or even cook and bathe on their own. These are things I take advantage of every single day. 

I'm not going to lie. It gets hard for me... ALL THE TIME and I still get mad at God sometimes over frivolous things that in the end, honestly don't mean a thing. (I'm trying to do better. I'm only human!) But, I have to remember, brush off the doubt, and tell myself that I have something that most people with lupus don't have... I have life....and I plan to do the best I can with this second chance. I plan to work my butt off to be a better person, to be a voice for the voiceless, and remember that the road God has chosen for me, was for me... and he knew the right person to give it to.... ME!

Whew chile, I'm tired.

It's been a minute, and I literally have had nothing to say. I've seriously been wanting to write something, but just couldn't think of anything to say... since today is World Lupus Day, I decided to write something raw.

So here it goes...

I can't remember the last time I felt normal. I want to relive those moments so bad. Waking up in pain every day and then still having to try to push through the day gets so exhausting. I can remember back before I had lupus, I went everywhere. I did everything I wanted to do. No restrictions what so ever. Old people like to call it, "living a care-free life".

Yeah... a care-free life! That's what I was living.

To this day, I hate to even think of how much I took that carefree living life for granted, because now... every day... I'm having to think and re-evaluate so much. What foods I eat, what activities I participate in, who, what, where, how long!? All of this. And again I say, it gets so exhausting!!

Sooooooo... even though I was diagnosed with lupus in 2011, I still have to go through a transition stage where I am literally trying to let go of what use to be and accept my new life, and this new disability. Even though it's been 8 years, I have yet to adjust to all the changes my body put me through!!!

It seems like every day, there is something though. I'm not even kidding. For example, I can go to bed and wake up and have a cramp in my hip that will leave me feeling temporarily paralyzed from the waist down. (I can't make this up and I swear I'm not being overly dramatic!) So having to be forced to slow down in the mornings and just lay in bed sometimes can just be so exhausting and mentally draining. Why? Because I do miss that freedom of just hopping out of bed and immediately starting my day. Now what use to take me 30 to 45 minutes to do in the morning, can take me close to 2 hours and a half.

I remember when I would be out in public, before lupus, socializing, and time would get away from me from having so much fun. I'll look up and before you know it, it's night time and I'm still full of energy. I think now, I check my watch every 30 minutes (ha!) Mostly because my body feels as though I've been out for hours and hours when really, I've probably been doing what I was doing for maybe 20 minutes. Again, it's exhausting because you have people that think I'm being anti-social when really, all my energy I have has been depleted and I need to get home. The worst thing about this sometimes is that my body wants to go home, but mentally... I'm wanting to stay. I'm wanting to be around my friends and out doing fun things. I miss out on so much because my mind and body won't agree.

Again.... I'm exhausted ya'll. Like, if there was a word that is beyond exhausted, I'm probably that!! Even though I'm ranting, and you might feel sorry for me after reading this.... please don't. To be honest, I'm blessed and I know it. I hear survivors stories all the time, and it literally makes me feel selfish that I take two seconds out of the day to even complain about my issues. There are people with lupus that have it worst off than I do. At least I am able to do some things, there are some fighting my same fight unable to do ANYTHING....my heart goes out to those wishing they could get out of bed and do normal things, because I know how draining it can be.

Today is World Lupus Day, and I am having a balloon release at the place where we meet for the support group. It's a small gesture to show that lupus survivors are not forgotten and to give them hope. To let them know to keep on fighting, and continue to let their voices be heard. I'm praying for a successful event.

Spoon Theory Explained (In Layman's Term)

You've probably heard someone fighting a chronic illness say, "I'm a spoonie!", or "I need more or I'm running out of spoons!" 

The reason why is, there's this thing called a "Spoon Theory"... it's a creative yet simple way for chronically ill people to explain to their healthy family and friends what it feels like to live with a chronic illness. 

Let me give you the background to how the Spoon Theory was created....

The spoon theory was created by a woman named Christine Miserandino in 2003. She is a lupus fighter. An essay was derived from the discussion between her and a friend when her friend asked her "what did having lupus feel like?" The essay then describes the actions of Miserandino, who took spoons from nearby tables to use as a visual aid. She handed her friend twelve spoons and asked her to describe the events of a typical day, taking a spoon away for each activity. In this way, she demonstrated that her spoons, or units of energy, must be rationed to avoid running out before the end of the day.

So, let me put this in laymen's terms for you...

If you only had 12 spoons for the entire day? What would you use them for? 

Before you begin, if you didn't sleep well last night, take your nightly medication, or you're feeling sick with a cold or flu, begin this assessment with only 9 spoons.

Each activity you do throughout the day, take away the proper amount of spoons. 

1 spoon each

Get in/out of bed

Putting on your clothes

Taking your vitamins

Watching television 

Reading

2 spoons each

Taking a shower

Combing and styling your hair

Studying for class

Responding to a text message or email

Surfing the internet

3 spoons each

Driving to work/school

Cooking and eating one meal

Light home cleaning (nothing that requires bending over)

Talking on the phone

Doing homework

4 spoons each

Being at work for 5+ hours

Being at the doctor's office

Cleaning (that requires bending over)

Exercising

Grocery shopping

Attending a social event

Now, you are allowed to go over the 12 or 9 spoons you were given at the beginning of the day, however, any overage will be deducted from the following day.

If you pay close attention you will see before your day has gotten fully started, you have already used 4 spoons to get out the bed, put on your clothes, take your meds or vitamins, and watching the morning news. Imagine trying to navigate through the REST OF THE DAY with only 8 or 5 spoons. 

A person with a chronic illness have to choose activities and events throughout the day wisely, otherwise, we crash! And there's no worst feeling than crashing with a chronic illness. It takes us 10 times as much longer to rejuvenate and get our energy back than a normal healthy person. The rest a healthy person receives in 8-hours of sleep only feels like 2 hours to the chronically ill (and I'm not even exaggerating!) On top of that, the flare-ups we go through can literally take away ALL of our spoons at the beginning of the day, leaving us spoonless for a whole 24 hours (or however long the flare-up may last). 

This also doesn't include if you are married with or without children, dating, or single with children because that is a whole other amount of spoons that will have to calculate to be taken away from you.

So the next time you hear someone with a chronic illness say they are tired, BELIEVE THEM, they are extremely tired and have probably used all of their spoons for the day. Take it light on them, and offer your help to get them through the rest of their day. Cook a meal and bring it over, watch their children, or offer to do their laundry... anything!!! Because everything we do while we are awake is slowly taking the energy from us, so if you could assist, we greatly appreciate it. Nothing you do is too small! 

Okay, I'm going to rest now... writing this blog took away some of my spoons for the day!😉