Am I Easy To Love?

We all know that being in a relationship is hard work. Both parties have to put in the work, to make it work. Not only are you learning to love someone else, but you’re also learning to love the baggage that come with them. In my case, my baggage is lupus. With lupus comes depression, insecurities, fatigue, doubtfulness, a sense of loneliness, and feeling like you’re unable to be loved. (That’s a lot to deal with right?)

So, my question to my husband is… With all this baggage I have.... Am I Easy to Love?

One thing that is the most difficult when you’re chronically ill and married is still having to cater to someone else besides yourself ALL WHILE dealing with the negative impact of your chronic illness. You have to fulfill your partner’s needs (both physically and mentally), be able to take care of your home & children, making sure that you are available to them when they need you to be. (And don’t add the extra responsibilities such as school, work, etc. on top of that)  All of this…. It’s very difficult to maintain it all because every day I’m already busy trying to fight for my life.

Sometimes, I feel like I’d be better off by myself, not subject my husband to the stuff that I go through. Because it’s a lot. It takes a toll out on me and him, and it just seems like my illness holds us both back from so much. We are both still young, I feel like newlyweds are supposed to be traveling, experiencing new things, taking random dates to exotic places, going on double dates with friends, planning a family, etc.  NOT always in a hospital room, or doctor’s office being worried that my test results are going to come back good or bad… NO WAY! That’s not newlywed life!!!! Our lives are not normal.

Every day it’s something, and each day we struggle through it and sadly, in the midst of all of this, the relationship takes some trying times because eventually, something has got to give. Someone is going to become mentally or physically tired. It’s draining. To always deal with the fact that tomorrow,  I may be unable to fulfill my partner’s needs. That tomorrow, I may not be able to go to work and earn the income we need. That tomorrow I may not even want him to touch me because I may be flaring up. That tomorrow, I may not be the Sharnae he married and fell in love with.

Every human being wants love (you’ll be lying if you say you didn’t) and I have that with my husband, I really love him. But am I easy to love back? I just don’t know.